Fiction: Jesus Outed at Megachurch Part 1

I found him. I found Jesus at a Megachurch.

He was in the closet and I outed him.

Here is the story…

I went on a bright Sunday morning to a Megachurch that houses 22,000 people on any given Sunday. I waited to park my car in Lot 47, It took awhile as I was behind 37 SUVs and MiniVans.

Fortunately, I left early enough anticipating this, and I wanted to get a good seat in viewing room 19, or possibly room 11, which is near espresso bar 4.

But I want you, dear readers, to know that I came with one thought, to find Jesus.

As I was about to sit down in viewing room 11 I saw Bob Shindler walking by. I had seen him once about three years back at this church, which is called “Estuary Bay Church”. They had tried to get “Riverbend”, but that and “Creek Hollow” had been taken. In either event it is nowhere near water.

That morning, Bob and I shared a ten minute latte at espresso bar 7 and after a deep three minute conversation we exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch. I had not seen him since.

Bob saw me and came over.

“Hey, er…”

“Mac”

“Yeah! Mac-Buddy…howzit han…er, how ya doing?”

“Good Bob. Gosh I’ve been here about 30 times since I saw you last but I’ve never seen ya. Did you move?”

“Nope. Been here every week. We have saved seats up in deck 3, aisle 305.”

“Wow. Impressive”

“Sure is. We got it when we became Mustard-Seed Partners. Hey Mac…you know what? My wife is sick this morning…we got an extra seat. Come up with me.”

So I did. I always was kinda curious what the live event looked like. Once before I almost got in service 5 during the NFL playoffs, but only made it to video-room 3.

So this was a real treat, and as I said I was looking to meet the J-Man.

We took the elevator up and made it to our seats just in time.

I admit it was still hard to see. Mustard Seed seats were, well apty named. The pastor and the band behind him looked a bit like a spilled packet of moveable seeds. But it was no big deal because fiftenn rows down a flat-panel monitor was mounted to the ceiling and gave a close up view.

The singing had begun but I noticed no one in Section 305 was singing. I thought that odd. I’d always kinda liked the singing, and they did do some of that in the viewing rooms, but there were only maybe 500 people per room, so it was a lot more intimate.

“Thanks Bob, this is nice. How is the practice?”

“Oh I gave that up two years ago,” he smiled.

“Really, whatcha doing now?”

“Amway distributor,” he said. “yep, 16 of my top distributors are right here in this section, and another 8 over in 307.”

I felt a little ill, so I just looked ahead.

The preacher/pastor, a lively and passionate man named Steven White pranced back and forth with a wide gleam. He spoke passionately about his new book The 7 keys to Successful Living and then invited his wife to come up and explain the various childrens and womens ministries.

Behind him sat associates, about twenty in all, but I guessed their were more serving throughout the Megaplex.

Then there were prayers offered for our leaders and troops and a short play.

Finally came the sermon. There was a quote from Proverbs, then another from Acts.

The sermon referenced neither of these in a way I could detect.

I kept wondering where Jesus was in all of this? What did jesus say about hate, war and cruelty? What words did he have for the religious? If he was here now what would he think of this.

Then it hit me. Of course he was here. I mean, at the core of Christian belief is the notion that God became incarnate (which by the way means that the body is good) and was resurrected to life and is alive…right now…here today.

So why, if these were Christians, did they treat Jesus as if he was stone-cold dead and just an idea? Why did they commemorate him and use him in a formulaic way, but then ignore him entirely.

I said a quick prayer in my head.

“Are you here?”

“Of course I am here,” came the reply in my head.

“That you really…in my head?”

“Well I’m a bit indisposed right now, but who else would it be?”

“Well, you know what they say…”

“What, that you are crazy? Hehe”

“No, the other thingy…bad guy.”

“Oh he cannot hear your thoughts, he’s just good at guessing….kinda like Dr. Phil.”

“Okay, so I am not crazy?”

“No, but only if you believe me and not your ex-wives.”

“I’m gonna go with you on this one.”

“Where are you right now…aren’t you supposed to be down front and center?”

“Well that was the plan, but they did it to me again,” said the voice.

“Did what?”

“I’m in the closet.”

“In the what?”

“On deck two, near section 101 …I’m locked in the closet.”

“Yer joking,” I said, semi-aloud…

“What?” asked Bob.

“Er, nothing. Hey I gotta ..you know…I’ll be back. Save my seat.”

I walked out across the deeply carpeted expanse and ducked into the men’s room. I splashed water on my face and thought about leaving straight away. But I was intrigued by then. And you know what they say about the cat…

I sat down in a stall and put my face in my hands.

“You back?” came the voice. “I thought you had deserted me.”

“I was thinking about it. Sorry.”

“Naw..I’m use to it. Happens all the time.”

“But I thought you were the ‘Hound of heaven’.”

“Where do you get that?”

“I dunno. Jonathan Edwards?”

“Oh he was such a tight-ass.” said the voice. “Look I may be a Lion and I may be a Lamb, but I ain’t Dog. You’re the one with the Doghouse, not me.”

“Oh so you know about that?”

“Sigh… Look I am on level 2, near section 101, I could really use some help here.”

“Okay, I’m on my way.”
_________________

As I hurried down I could hear the preacher/pastor wrapping up his melodic sermon on people’s potential, partnerships and, I dunno….I think there were three other “p’s” in there somewhere. I reach the second floor when I asked (inside my head).

“Okay, why do you need my help if you are who you say you are?”

“It’s complicated, yet really simple.”

“Are you always so enigmatic?”

“What do you think?”

“Yeah… okay, I’ll give you that one.”

“I’m almost there.” I said shaking my head. “And you are in the closet.”

“Yes, they locked me in here.”

I reached what I thought was the door. When I grabbed and turned it just led to a long hall and the sign said something about security for a “studio”.

Suddenly I almost started laughing out loud. Because I am a smartass, I held my wrist up to my mouth the way Secret Service do and in my head said “Sorry, nogo. I hit the studio. Are you East/West from this location?” Then I added a “Qisssshh!” static-like noise in my head (which is not that easy…try it).

“Very fun. I am due West about 20 steps.”

When I got to the grey door it was locked.

“It’s locked,” I said exasperated, “what now..I mean who locks a cleaning closet?”

“I suppose it depends on what is inside,” said the voice.

“Good point. Look I need some help..I mean the service is almost over and this place will be flooded.”

“I said I’d never do that again,” he said.

“Very funny. You gonna sit in the closet and make divine jokes all day long or help me here?”

“You have to pray” came the voice.

“I just did” I said.

“Very good. Clever boy.”

As he heard that he could see a few people releasing from the service…people who had to setup the 78 ministry tables down in the three rotundas.

“But you need to…you know…”

“Oh yeah..okay,” I said frantic. “Father help me with this door so I can get to your son and I ask it in His name and for His glory. Amen” I said under my breath.

“How was that?”

“A little stiff, but thanks. He likes it that way. It gets His attention. And it’s actually good for you on 3,438 different levels of reality which I’ll explain to you after you die.”

“That gonna be anytime soon? I know your track record, people don’t stick around very long. It’s like being the black cop buddy in a major movie.”

“Could you just work the door please?”

I grabbed the door and it swung right open.

I started to make a joke in my head about him being “the door” but stopped dead in my tracks.
____________________
Finding Jesus…

There he was in the semi-dark, bound, gagged and slumped in the corner.

He had rich chocolate skin and deep inset eyes. Not handsome, but neither is Jean Reno and he draws you right in too.

His mouth was gagged, and he was roped up pretty good. I professional job worthy of the Jesus Seminar.

“I heard that” I heard in my head. “Very funny…Can you get this stuff off of me?”

“Oh, sorry ,” I said aloud. “Here let me help you.”

I undid the gag first and wiped his sweating forehead with it. Then I untied him.

“Are you okay to get up?”

“I manage on occasion” he smiled.

It was kind of a moment for me. I have to say that. The smile. The closest smile to that I have ever seen to that was smiles on my children’s faces are various utterly innocent moments, yet here in a grown man.

Now he is not very tall, and I am. When J.B. Philips wrote his famous “Your God is Too Small” I think he missed it by a foot or two. He’s about the size of LaBeau in Hogan’s Heroes, but impressive nonetheless. He could definitely have taken Napoleon except for the non-violence thing.

Anyway, after he got the blood, or whatever runs through a resurrected body going through his veins, he said, “It’s time to go.”

“Wait,” I said. “Don’t you mind that they locked you in a closet gagged and tied up?”

“Happens all the time. During the Inquisition…boy…I would have loved a closet with the clean scent of pine”.

“But what about all these people?”

“Oh I meet them all the time.”

“What here? In tier 3, section 307?”

“Every once and awhile. I met you today didn’t I? And you were in seat 34 in 303 next to Bob.”

“Is his wife really sick?”

“No, she left him six months ago. He gives away his seat every week to a different person. No one knows. You should call him next week.”

“I should?” I asked. “He’ll just get me in Amway.”

“No, he won’t. Take him for a beer and ask him about his life. Tell him your own struggles. He’ll cry and tell all. Be me to him. Be his friend.”

“Okay. I guess I can do that.”

“You did use to be a pastor…”

“ha! yeah…how did I do?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“NO really…”

“Look I’m a merciful God…don’t push it.”
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Part TWO

~ by bakdon on February 3, 2010.